a love letter

I don’t know what I’m doing. I never really have. I thought I knew, once, but I was completely wrong. I thought I was sure about things before, but I always turned out to be wrong. I thought that love would last forever… but I never made it past 6 months with anyone. I’ve hurt and been hurt. I loved, and love ended. I’ve been left behind.

I don’t know much. I willingly admit that. I am one of the stupidest, most childish people ever to grace the earth. I always rush into things. I think that going too far will make me more mature, when in reality it just accentuates how stupid and silly I am.

But then I met you.

Suddenly, I’m feeling things I’ve never felt. I feel safe with you. I feel truly loved with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re what I’ve been dreaming of. You’re everything to me. You helped me through the worst breakup I’ve ever had. You helped me survive. You’ve held me when I was crying, you’ve laughed with me, you’ve cried in front of me. I feel beautiful when I see the way you look at me. Even when you hurt me, I feel good. Because I can see the horror in your eyes when you realize I’m hurt. I say I love you, but those words, those eight letters, are not enough to express the way I feel about you. Words could never describe. Nothing could.

 I don’t want to say “forever”. I’ve said that word before and nothing good has come of it. But… when I’m with you,  I feel like maybe – maybe – this could be it. Finally. Forever.

 

Yeah, I know. It’s silly. But it had to be said. Suck it up and deal.

my last day on earth

So, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Here is  a list of things I would do on my last day alive.

– dance in a public fountain
– stand on the roof of a building with a microphone and sing
– tell everyone EXACTLY what I think of them (“____, you’re a bitch. ____, you’re a slut. _____, you’re my best friend in the world and I love you to pieces.”)
– make out with as many random chicks as I can
– flash people. lots of people.
– scream “FIRE!” in the middle of a crowded theatre
– have wild, unprotected sex with Justin
– yell as many swearwords and insults as I can in front of the teachers I hate at school
– corrupt the youth
– at the end of the day, fall asleep in Justin’s arms and just never wake up

I like my plan. It is a good plan. Comments?

an explanation and an apology

Sorry I haven’t been posting recently. A lot has been happening. School is a mess. But mostly, the reason I haven’t posted lately is because my grandma’s been sick. Actually… last Tuesday, the 24th of April, she died. Things have been kind of hectic. I’ve been depressed. She was a really big part of my life, and even though I wanted to say something about her, I haven’t been able to.

It was her funeral today. It was a beautiful day. She would’ve loved it. The service was nice, with her favourite hymns. I even played a solo on my flute. The song was “The Last Rose of Summer”. She loved it when I played it for her, and it felt only fitting that I should play it for her then. The acoustics in the church were amazing, and I actually sounded really good. Afterward, so many people thanked me and complimented me. It was the most praise I’ve ever gotten in one day.

She was buried in Greenwood Cemetery, I think. It was a beautiful spot. The funeral procession drove past their house on Cedar Avenue, as she’d requested.

Something interesting happened: When we left the church, I saw this one bird circling around. It followed the funeral procession to the cemetery and watched her being interred, then flew off. It was a hawk, or something that looked like it. Grandma loved birds, and since I believe in reincarnation… I don’t know. But I think that was her. She wanted to see it. She was there. I know it.

So, that’s what’s been happening. Sorry for the lack of updates. I’ll get back on it, guys. I promise. <33 Love you all to bits.