The Emerald City

he’s leaving home

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 1 September, 2008

So, it’s happening. By this time tomorrow, my gentleman friend will be at Wilfrid Laurier University, in Waterloo.

I… words can’t even describe how much this hurts. How much I am going to miss him. I know it’s silly; he’s coming home on Saturday and we’ll see each other, and he’s promised to text me and write. But… still, I feel like I’m losing half of myself. I keep crying randomly, and I don’t *want* to because I know it’s so stupid and illogical. He’ll be home soon, and I’ll see him, and I’ll keep talking to him online, but I miss him, and it’s so fucking hard to let go of him now.

On the 12th of September, it’ll be nine months. By Christmas, it will be one full year. I’ve never been this close to that goal. Before him, my longest relationship was 5 and a half months, and it really ended two months prior to that, we just dragged it on unnecessarily. But, with him… the novelty hasn’t worn off. Every other boy I’ve met has some inherent flaw, preventing me from wanting to be with them. With him, that’s not true. With him, he seems to *have* no flaws. It’s amazing, perfect, too good to be true.

But it is true. And he does love me. For almost nine months he’s loved me, and I can’t see it stopping now, not when we’re closer than ever before, not after everything we’ve been through.

I love him devotedly, and I know he feels the same. Everything is going to be okay.

Please, I just need to believe it today…

this sucks.

Posted in depression,irritation,life by Scaramouche on 16 August, 2007

So, my best friend and ex-boyfriend, Justin, is not allowed to go to my show (I’m the lead in a musical near my hometown). His parents won’t give him a ride, just because we broke up and Paris is far away. Guys, it’s WORTH it! The show is great and I really really miss Justin. 😦

I mentioned his mom read my blog. I’m asking her now, please reconsider. Thursday, Friday, or Saturday of this week, at 8.30 PM in Paris. I’d give you the address here, but… you know. Internet. If by any chance you choose to think about it, I’ll give you the address via Justin. Please, please, please. It would mean so much to me if you guys came to see it.

Dear Grandma:

Posted in death,depression,letters,life by Scaramouche on 24 July, 2007

I miss you. That’s the first thing I have to say. I miss you so much.

It’s just past two on the morning of July 24th. Almost 3 months exactly since you died. (No, I will not say words like passed on, or crossed over. You died. That’s it.)  A lot has changed since you left. I broke up with my boyfriend, Justin, but we’re still best friends. I really wish you could’ve met him. He’s strange, but a real sweetie. I think you’d like my current boyfriend better, though. And I know he would’ve liked you. He’s big and strong and bearded, but behind his tough exterior, he’s a kitten. And he treats me so well, you’d definitely approve of him.

I’m in a musical, did you know that? It’s called Grand Delusions. I don’t like it very much – it’s a really bad musical, and a lot of the guys in it are extremely creepy. Allison’s in it too. I’m really nervous; my part’s small, but I still don’t want to screw it up. Allison has a really huge part, it’s crazy. Of course, most of her lines are “What? WHAT?! … what?” and it’s hilarious.

I have a really bad cold. I keep coughing like crazy, it’s very depressing. I am surviving on Halls, and that’s about it. Admittedly not the HEALTHIEST diet, but they taste excellent. I think I’m kind of addicted, which is bad.

I’m wearing your shoes right now. Barb and Meghan came to visit, and said that I might like them. They’re a bit too big, but I’m wearing them anyway because they remind me of you. Have I mentioned that I miss you a LOT? Because I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you were back, sending me funny emails and encouraging me to keep writing. I loved it when you told me I was good at it. I also got socks from them. Remember they gave you odd socks? Well, I “inherited” them. I love odd socks. They’re weird but also FANTASTIC.

Polly got a tattoo. It is very cute. It’s “the loudest sound”. An exclamation point with three curved lines in front of it. Difficult to describe.

I’m getting better at playing the flute. I got a 96 on my exam piece! I’m also getting better at drawing – I’ve figured out how to draw eyes perfectly

I’m going to try to write to you every month. On the 24th. I think that’s appropriate.

I love you, Grandma. Talk to you again next month.



Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 28 June, 2007

Yeah, so… I broke up with my boyfriend, Justin. It was really hard, and it’s still really hard. I can’t really explain why, but I’ll try to.

Mostly, it was just me. My feelings for him changed. The little things I overlooked when we began dating began to irritate me. His anger problems, mostly… See, I have an irrational fear of men yelling. It freaks me out, and I start crying uncontrollably whenever I hear it. And… Justin yelled a lot. And he got angry a lot. When we were together, he was really REALLY mean to his parents. Calling them names, just generally being a jerk to them. And you know that saying, “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother”? Well… he treated her really badly. And I knew that eventually, he’d probably treat me like that. I didn’t want to put myself in that position.

Also, the fact is that we just don’t match. Again, a lot of little things. Like, I love the foods he hates, our music taste is VASTLY different… he smokes pot and I hate that about him. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. And… he’s really clingy and needy. I have another fear-type-thingymedendum about being closed in, or trapped. I suppose it’s like claustrophobia (I have that too… jeez, I am royally fucked up), only more mental. And… I felt surrounded. And I got scared. I know now that I’m too young, and perhaps too immature, for that kind of commitment. I mean, after the third date – THIRD DATE – we were planning to get married. Now it’s true, I did initiate those conversations, but I can see now that it was a mistake.

Finally… there’s the fact that I liked someone else more than I liked him. I know that it sounds horrible, but it’s true. See, I have a naturally flirtatious personality. I flirt with just about goddamn everyone. And during the last few weeks of our relationship, I’d been flirting with this one specific guy. This guy and I spent most of this one party we went to curled up together, holding each other. The day I broke up with Justin was also the day this guy took me on a walk to basically THE most romantic spot in the city. We sat on a rock under a shady tree and looked out at gently lapping water, and we watched the sun go down. You tell me that’s not a perfect setup for romance.  Eventually, I ended up kissing this guy. See, the thing is, this guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. You know how that feels? I always thought that when you had butterflies in your stomach, it meant you were really attracted to, if not in love with, the person you were with. And I had those. But I never got them with Justin. I never felt that rush.

I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t love him. I wanted to love him so much, because I knew he loved me. And… and I wish it could’ve been different. But a relationship is a two way street, and if I didn’t love him, then I’d just end up hurting him more in the end. If we’d gone through with it (marriage, kids, old age, and death) then just imagine how it would’ve been for our kids! Kids need to know that their parents love each other. I used to need reassurance about that from my dad. And if i didn’t love the person I married, if I didn’t love the father of my children, then my kids would turn out royally fucked up. I didn’t want to do that to them. I didn’t want to stay in this relationship solely because “It would kill him if I left”. I didn’t want to stay with someone I didn’t love.

I feel I made the right decision. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling waves of guilt every time I talk to him now. I did really hurt him, and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. See… I do still love him, but not romantically. So this eats me up inside, knowing that he’s hurting this much. He’s been left before, and it almost destroyed him. Now, I’m doing the same thing. This is just after I promised that I’d never leave him. Clearly, my promises mean nothing.

I am a horrible person. Because even though I know that he’s hurt, and even though I know that I broke his heart… I *still* think I was right to break up with him.

*sigh* Life is hard.

an explanation and an apology

Posted in affection,change,confusion,depression,future,life,relationships by Scaramouche on 30 April, 2007

Sorry I haven’t been posting recently. A lot has been happening. School is a mess. But mostly, the reason I haven’t posted lately is because my grandma’s been sick. Actually… last Tuesday, the 24th of April, she died. Things have been kind of hectic. I’ve been depressed. She was a really big part of my life, and even though I wanted to say something about her, I haven’t been able to.

It was her funeral today. It was a beautiful day. She would’ve loved it. The service was nice, with her favourite hymns. I even played a solo on my flute. The song was “The Last Rose of Summer”. She loved it when I played it for her, and it felt only fitting that I should play it for her then. The acoustics in the church were amazing, and I actually sounded really good. Afterward, so many people thanked me and complimented me. It was the most praise I’ve ever gotten in one day.

She was buried in Greenwood Cemetery, I think. It was a beautiful spot. The funeral procession drove past their house on Cedar Avenue, as she’d requested.

Something interesting happened: When we left the church, I saw this one bird circling around. It followed the funeral procession to the cemetery and watched her being interred, then flew off. It was a hawk, or something that looked like it. Grandma loved birds, and since I believe in reincarnation… I don’t know. But I think that was her. She wanted to see it. She was there. I know it.

So, that’s what’s been happening. Sorry for the lack of updates. I’ll get back on it, guys. I promise. <33 Love you all to bits.