The Emerald City


he’s leaving home

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 1 September, 2008

So, it’s happening. By this time tomorrow, my gentleman friend will be at Wilfrid Laurier University, in Waterloo.

I… words can’t even describe how much this hurts. How much I am going to miss him. I know it’s silly; he’s coming home on Saturday and we’ll see each other, and he’s promised to text me and write. But… still, I feel like I’m losing half of myself. I keep crying randomly, and I don’t *want* to because I know it’s so stupid and illogical. He’ll be home soon, and I’ll see him, and I’ll keep talking to him online, but I miss him, and it’s so fucking hard to let go of him now.

On the 12th of September, it’ll be nine months. By Christmas, it will be one full year. I’ve never been this close to that goal. Before him, my longest relationship was 5 and a half months, and it really ended two months prior to that, we just dragged it on unnecessarily. But, with him… the novelty hasn’t worn off. Every other boy I’ve met has some inherent flaw, preventing me from wanting to be with them. With him, that’s not true. With him, he seems to *have* no flaws. It’s amazing, perfect, too good to be true.

But it is true. And he does love me. For almost nine months he’s loved me, and I can’t see it stopping now, not when we’re closer than ever before, not after everything we’ve been through.

I love him devotedly, and I know he feels the same. Everything is going to be okay.

Please, I just need to believe it today…

the things I find on old blogs…

Posted in blog,change,happiness,life,love,random,relationships by Scaramouche on 20 May, 2008

This is an entry from a blog I had in Grade 10. That’s 2006. September 19th. Observe:

Oh bother.

Okay. So it turns out that I’ve fallen insanely in love with a Grade 12 in my Vocal class (let’s call him Erik). He’s unbelievable. He’s incredible. He’s amazing. He’s completely oblivious to the fact that I love him devotedly.
His voice is so beautiful. It’s like liquid gold. He’s SUCH a great singer, and he loves musicals, and while he hasn’t seen Phantom (grr) he is allowing myself and others to force him to see it (yay!). He’s also very affectionate, and every time he touches me I blush and turn stupid. Yum. He’s so lovely, and I want him so much, but… gah. Qu’est-ce que le point?
I have, however, made a decision. The day my bestest friend tells her amour that she amours him, I shall tell the same to Erik. Because that will work. Either that, or I shall tell Erik on November the 1st. Whichever comes first. =) But even though that’s months away, I can’t help being nervous about it. I’m so afraid to tell him, to show my true feelings. What if he doesn’t feel the same? Even scarier, what if he DOES??? Is that just wishful thinking, or could it actually happen? I’m so scared.
Mmmm… off to sing and think of him. *sighhh*

I am now dating the Grade 12 in question. I love him love him love him. And also, this proves JUST HOW LONG I’VE WANTED HIM. Yay me.

Childhood Lost — a 5.30 AM realization, inspired by The Little Prince

Posted in change,childhood,life by Scaramouche on 27 July, 2007

I’m not ready to be a grown-up. I’m not willing to give up childhood yet. I want to tame a flower, know the stars, not care about things that matter. I want to play and dance and laugh, and forget that time passes. I want that hour of play – after dinner and before bedtime – that always felt endless. I want to believe that I’ll be the same forever. I want to ignore the world’s problems. I want to fully and honestly believe that I can do anything. I want to say whatever pops into my head without fear of consequence. I want ten minutes’ seclusion in my room to feel like an eternity of torture.

I don’t like being a grown-up. I have this weird thing called responsibility now. It’s confusing and scary to the child in me. I wish life wasn’t so important now. I miss the days when we just lived for fun. When Disney was just funny and pretty and exciting, and we didn’t have to be offended by it in some way. I miss being able to like what I want, without having to worry about what everyone else says. I miss not being peer-pressured into social activism. I miss being able to dream about being rescued by my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armour, without having others say I’m being sexist.

I miss the days when boys had cooties. I miss having slumber parties with girls and playing Truth or Dare, when the dares were innocent things, like, “I dare you to eat grass” or “I dare you to do a somersault”. I miss the days when 10.00 PM was considered “staying up late”. I miss coming home for lunch and watching cartoons while I ate a peanut-butter and banana sandwich my mom made me. I miss recess. I miss being able to run outside and play with a friend; no money needed. No plan. We just met up together in the morning and play until sunset.

I miss it. Where did those days go?

thoughts.

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 28 June, 2007

Yeah, so… I broke up with my boyfriend, Justin. It was really hard, and it’s still really hard. I can’t really explain why, but I’ll try to.

Mostly, it was just me. My feelings for him changed. The little things I overlooked when we began dating began to irritate me. His anger problems, mostly… See, I have an irrational fear of men yelling. It freaks me out, and I start crying uncontrollably whenever I hear it. And… Justin yelled a lot. And he got angry a lot. When we were together, he was really REALLY mean to his parents. Calling them names, just generally being a jerk to them. And you know that saying, “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother”? Well… he treated her really badly. And I knew that eventually, he’d probably treat me like that. I didn’t want to put myself in that position.

Also, the fact is that we just don’t match. Again, a lot of little things. Like, I love the foods he hates, our music taste is VASTLY different… he smokes pot and I hate that about him. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. And… he’s really clingy and needy. I have another fear-type-thingymedendum about being closed in, or trapped. I suppose it’s like claustrophobia (I have that too… jeez, I am royally fucked up), only more mental. And… I felt surrounded. And I got scared. I know now that I’m too young, and perhaps too immature, for that kind of commitment. I mean, after the third date – THIRD DATE – we were planning to get married. Now it’s true, I did initiate those conversations, but I can see now that it was a mistake.

Finally… there’s the fact that I liked someone else more than I liked him. I know that it sounds horrible, but it’s true. See, I have a naturally flirtatious personality. I flirt with just about goddamn everyone. And during the last few weeks of our relationship, I’d been flirting with this one specific guy. This guy and I spent most of this one party we went to curled up together, holding each other. The day I broke up with Justin was also the day this guy took me on a walk to basically THE most romantic spot in the city. We sat on a rock under a shady tree and looked out at gently lapping water, and we watched the sun go down. You tell me that’s not a perfect setup for romance.  Eventually, I ended up kissing this guy. See, the thing is, this guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. You know how that feels? I always thought that when you had butterflies in your stomach, it meant you were really attracted to, if not in love with, the person you were with. And I had those. But I never got them with Justin. I never felt that rush.

I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t love him. I wanted to love him so much, because I knew he loved me. And… and I wish it could’ve been different. But a relationship is a two way street, and if I didn’t love him, then I’d just end up hurting him more in the end. If we’d gone through with it (marriage, kids, old age, and death) then just imagine how it would’ve been for our kids! Kids need to know that their parents love each other. I used to need reassurance about that from my dad. And if i didn’t love the person I married, if I didn’t love the father of my children, then my kids would turn out royally fucked up. I didn’t want to do that to them. I didn’t want to stay in this relationship solely because “It would kill him if I left”. I didn’t want to stay with someone I didn’t love.

I feel I made the right decision. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling waves of guilt every time I talk to him now. I did really hurt him, and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. See… I do still love him, but not romantically. So this eats me up inside, knowing that he’s hurting this much. He’s been left before, and it almost destroyed him. Now, I’m doing the same thing. This is just after I promised that I’d never leave him. Clearly, my promises mean nothing.

I am a horrible person. Because even though I know that he’s hurt, and even though I know that I broke his heart… I *still* think I was right to break up with him.

*sigh* Life is hard.

my last day on earth

Posted in change,death,future,life,random by Scaramouche on 9 May, 2007

So, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Here is  a list of things I would do on my last day alive.

– dance in a public fountain
– stand on the roof of a building with a microphone and sing
– tell everyone EXACTLY what I think of them (“____, you’re a bitch. ____, you’re a slut. _____, you’re my best friend in the world and I love you to pieces.”)
– make out with as many random chicks as I can
– flash people. lots of people.
– scream “FIRE!” in the middle of a crowded theatre
– have wild, unprotected sex with Justin
– yell as many swearwords and insults as I can in front of the teachers I hate at school
– corrupt the youth
– at the end of the day, fall asleep in Justin’s arms and just never wake up

I like my plan. It is a good plan. Comments?

an explanation and an apology

Posted in affection,change,confusion,depression,future,life,relationships by Scaramouche on 30 April, 2007

Sorry I haven’t been posting recently. A lot has been happening. School is a mess. But mostly, the reason I haven’t posted lately is because my grandma’s been sick. Actually… last Tuesday, the 24th of April, she died. Things have been kind of hectic. I’ve been depressed. She was a really big part of my life, and even though I wanted to say something about her, I haven’t been able to.

It was her funeral today. It was a beautiful day. She would’ve loved it. The service was nice, with her favourite hymns. I even played a solo on my flute. The song was “The Last Rose of Summer”. She loved it when I played it for her, and it felt only fitting that I should play it for her then. The acoustics in the church were amazing, and I actually sounded really good. Afterward, so many people thanked me and complimented me. It was the most praise I’ve ever gotten in one day.

She was buried in Greenwood Cemetery, I think. It was a beautiful spot. The funeral procession drove past their house on Cedar Avenue, as she’d requested.

Something interesting happened: When we left the church, I saw this one bird circling around. It followed the funeral procession to the cemetery and watched her being interred, then flew off. It was a hawk, or something that looked like it. Grandma loved birds, and since I believe in reincarnation… I don’t know. But I think that was her. She wanted to see it. She was there. I know it.

So, that’s what’s been happening. Sorry for the lack of updates. I’ll get back on it, guys. I promise. <33 Love you all to bits.

some things

Posted in change,life by Scaramouche on 1 April, 2007

So, yesterday I got a major haircut. It’s really, REALLY short now. Think Keira Knightley in Domino. I look fantastic. I need pictures so that I can show myself off. I do look a bit boyish, but that’s okay. Still good. Still hot. ❤

That’s really all I wanted to say. Back to your lives, citizens.

drifting away

Posted in change,relationships,society by Scaramouche on 19 March, 2007

You know who they are. They’re the people who used to laugh with you and be your friends. They’re the people who hugged you when you were sad, who made you smile when you were lonely. They’re the ones you thought would be your friends forever.

But it didn’t happen, did it? Years passed, and the friends you swore you’d be with forever slipped away. They became just faces in the halls of life. You’d pass by them and not remember their names, when once you’d have known all their secrets. They change, turn into entirely new people, but somehow you still look at them and remember who they were Before. When life was innocent and the world was yours to explore.

The thing is, they grew up while you remained the same as ever. The girls became beautiful and vain, preening themselves in class and not listening to a word the teachers said, and the boys became taller, stronger, and less prone to undesired squeaks in the middle of a sentence. They all matured, and became People, while you stayed a child. You never knew that people could leave their old selves behind so fast.

It feels strange, leaving them all behind. You realize, though, that they are not the same person. Like jackals, they sense that you are weaker, unwilling to give in to the pressures of becoming Just Like Them, and they attack. You have to eat or be eaten. So you fight back, and end up hating the ones you once swore you’d love forever. It happens and we are powerless to stop it.

It will happen to all of us. Even the best of friends part ways eventually. So seize the moment! Tell your friends you love them and hang on to them as much as you can.  Life is waiting to rip you apart. So when it does, be sure that you’ve lived this friendship as much as you possibly can.