The Emerald City

he’s leaving home

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 1 September, 2008

So, it’s happening. By this time tomorrow, my gentleman friend will be at Wilfrid Laurier University, in Waterloo.

I… words can’t even describe how much this hurts. How much I am going to miss him. I know it’s silly; he’s coming home on Saturday and we’ll see each other, and he’s promised to text me and write. But… still, I feel like I’m losing half of myself. I keep crying randomly, and I don’t *want* to because I know it’s so stupid and illogical. He’ll be home soon, and I’ll see him, and I’ll keep talking to him online, but I miss him, and it’s so fucking hard to let go of him now.

On the 12th of September, it’ll be nine months. By Christmas, it will be one full year. I’ve never been this close to that goal. Before him, my longest relationship was 5 and a half months, and it really ended two months prior to that, we just dragged it on unnecessarily. But, with him… the novelty hasn’t worn off. Every other boy I’ve met has some inherent flaw, preventing me from wanting to be with them. With him, that’s not true. With him, he seems to *have* no flaws. It’s amazing, perfect, too good to be true.

But it is true. And he does love me. For almost nine months he’s loved me, and I can’t see it stopping now, not when we’re closer than ever before, not after everything we’ve been through.

I love him devotedly, and I know he feels the same. Everything is going to be okay.

Please, I just need to believe it today…


Posted in happiness,love,lyrics,music,poetry,pure unbridled JOY,relationships by Scaramouche on 21 June, 2008

I wanted for so long to write you a song
To capture in the notes and words exactly how I feel.
But any words I try to choose were only words.
And the love we have, no lyrics could reveal

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
My poetry

To tell you how I love, explain it right to you
I stumble and I falter and I don’t know what to say
But my love, you explain it all so perfectly
The eloquence takes all my words away

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
My poetry

And once again you say
What I was trying to convey
In a far more elegant way

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
My poetry

I wanted for so long to write you a song
And now how much I love you, you have seen.
And though the words may not quite do you justice,
I know you know exactly what I mean

a letter from the past

Posted in letters,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 27 May, 2008

27 May 08

Dear Angel,

This is you. Er… me. This is 17-year-old Angel in the year 2008, writing to the Angel I will be in the future. I wonder if I’ll ever look back on these words someday. And I am sure that I’ll read this opening paragraph and not know what the HELL I’m blathering about. I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about, man! (do I still get that reference?)

It is, as noted above, the 27th of May. Today is BEAUTIFUL. The sun is shining with all his might, the clouds are all white and floating lazily, puffily, through the blue sky. The trees are an ecstasy of green. And I’ve decided that it’s true what they say about spring — it is the time when one’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.

For I am in love. His name is ___ ______. [not for the world to see] His skin is luminous and soft, his eyes are five shades swirled together, his voice is gold, and he writes music in a tapestry of wonder and magnificence. He is my lover in every sense of the word. He is magic.

My reason for writing this letter, then is simple. I am writing to ask if you remember that boy. If you think back on these days with fondness, bitterness, regret, sorrow, anger… hate? I am writing to ask what the end of our story is. Do our dreams come true in the end and send me happily ever after with my Prince Charming? Or do I forget him? Does this love that I treasure more than anything else end up as just one more forgotten photograph buried deep in the cardboard boxes of my memory, one more old boyfriend to scoff at and mock for all his imperfections?

I’m writing you, my future self, to know these things. And, to implore you, never EVER leave this boy. Angel, he is the best thing to ever happen to you and if you leave him then I will kill you.

He is the best thing to ever happen to you. Don’t you DARE let him go. Don’t you DARE.



the things I find on old blogs…

Posted in blog,change,happiness,life,love,random,relationships by Scaramouche on 20 May, 2008

This is an entry from a blog I had in Grade 10. That’s 2006. September 19th. Observe:

Oh bother.

Okay. So it turns out that I’ve fallen insanely in love with a Grade 12 in my Vocal class (let’s call him Erik). He’s unbelievable. He’s incredible. He’s amazing. He’s completely oblivious to the fact that I love him devotedly.
His voice is so beautiful. It’s like liquid gold. He’s SUCH a great singer, and he loves musicals, and while he hasn’t seen Phantom (grr) he is allowing myself and others to force him to see it (yay!). He’s also very affectionate, and every time he touches me I blush and turn stupid. Yum. He’s so lovely, and I want him so much, but… gah. Qu’est-ce que le point?
I have, however, made a decision. The day my bestest friend tells her amour that she amours him, I shall tell the same to Erik. Because that will work. Either that, or I shall tell Erik on November the 1st. Whichever comes first. =) But even though that’s months away, I can’t help being nervous about it. I’m so afraid to tell him, to show my true feelings. What if he doesn’t feel the same? Even scarier, what if he DOES??? Is that just wishful thinking, or could it actually happen? I’m so scared.
Mmmm… off to sing and think of him. *sighhh*

I am now dating the Grade 12 in question. I love him love him love him. And also, this proves JUST HOW LONG I’VE WANTED HIM. Yay me.

A Letter of Catharsis (had to be said, so deal)

Posted in letters,life,rage,relationships by Scaramouche on 31 January, 2008

Dear ______:

3 years ago, you and I dated for about five months. We were both in Grade 9. Both fourteen. You were my first boyfriend. I was what… your ninth? It was five months, wasn’t it? I’d like to say I can’t remember, but I do. Everything. I remember all you did. The lies. The guilt. The pain. Let’s itemize, shall we?

First. You are aware that I was a fourteen-year-old girl, right? You were my first boyfriend, the only guy who’d ever thought I was pretty. I was a kid. I didn’t know what real relationships were like. So I let you do things to me that I was not ready for. You made me go farther than I should’ve. A month into our relationship, I’d already done pretty much everything but actual sex. You would use me as nothing more than just an object. Make me pose for you. Make me do things to you. Make me let you do things to me. When I said no, I didn’t want to, you used guilt trips to make me feel like I was the one doing the wrong thing. You made me feel like if I said no, I’d either lose you, or I’d be the one hurting you. I thought I loved you. I agreed.

You lied to me. You’d pretend to like something just to make me like you more. You pretended to know things you didn’t, in an attempt to impress me. LYING DOESN’T MAKE ME LIKE YOU MORE! I felt betrayed, knowing you willingly deceived me. Knowingly deceived me. I felt weak and stupid, seeing how easy it was for you.

You physically hurt me. Remember the day you slapped me across the face? Remember how you initially spouted some bullshit about how you “thought I was someone else” – we’d been talking for a good half hour at that point, dumbass – and then said that it was my fault. My fault. It was always my fault. When you dislocated my wrist – which still gives me trouble, by the way, as it is right now – you said it was my fault.

It was always my fault with you, wasn’t it? You’d use things against me. Money you spent for me, gifts you bought me, unasked, would be used as leverage. Ways of making me feel as though I owed you. Like I didn’t deserve you. Like I was ungrateful. You selfish son of a bitch.

All that you did, I accepted. I still, foolishly, believed I was in love with you. Eventually, this culminated in you breaking my heart when I said I wanted to stop everything sexual. It left lasting scars, by the way.  I’m not going to say the most severe, because family members read this blog, but I still feel guilty whenever a guy spends money on me. I still feel like I have to rush the sexual side of relationships. Until very recently, I felt as though it was impossible for males to feel love. Because throughout this torture, YOU INSISTED THAT YOU LOVED ME. Hah. My wrist still hurts me daily. (On the ground screaming, you still didn’t stop twisting my hand.) And it is practically IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel beautiful. I don’t trust ANYONE when they say I’m pretty. Because you said I was, and you lied about everything else. Oh, and you remember this little line?

“I tell you you’re beautiful and smart, even though you’re NOT.”

You actually said that to me. You son of a BITCH! Why… what was going through your mind as you said these things? Did you think that you were honestly doing the right thing? Did you honestly think that was the right way to treat your girlfriend? REALLY? Thanks for the insecurity complex.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Right now, and for the rest of my life, all I want is for you to die. Just fucking DIE. You BROKE me.  Congratu-fuckin-lations. You’ve ruined me forever.



and now, an ACTUAL update :P

Posted in music,rants,relationships by Scaramouche on 29 July, 2007

So, for the past… well, half hour, I’ve been listening to the song “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. I swear, it’s one of my favourites now. It’s just so nice. I love the lyrics. The guy who sings it sounds a hell of a lot like my Uncle Robert. Which is weird. But it’s fun to sing, and yeah, good song.

I only have one real problem with it. From the lyrics, you can tell that the guy is seriously in love with his ex, and his ex is pretty taken with him too. My question is: Why on earth did they break up in the first place? If they love each other so much now, what was so different then?

I hate that about this sort of thing. If you dated before and it didn’t work out, why do you expect it to be different now? If you’re not compatible, then you’re not compatible. It’s not rocket science. I don’t like that people think that “Oh, THIS time it’ll be different, THIS time I won’t do this, THIS time I’ll try to do that”. If you can somehow do it now, why couldn’t you do it then? Dating an ex is NEVER a good idea. Ever. Don’t try it.  It won’t work out. If it didn’t work then, it won’t work now.

a love letter

Posted in affection,future,happiness,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 19 July, 2007

I don’t know what I’m doing. I never really have. I thought I knew, once, but I was completely wrong. I thought I was sure about things before, but I always turned out to be wrong. I thought that love would last forever… but I never made it past 6 months with anyone. I’ve hurt and been hurt. I loved, and love ended. I’ve been left behind.

I don’t know much. I willingly admit that. I am one of the stupidest, most childish people ever to grace the earth. I always rush into things. I think that going too far will make me more mature, when in reality it just accentuates how stupid and silly I am.

But then I met you.

Suddenly, I’m feeling things I’ve never felt. I feel safe with you. I feel truly loved with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re what I’ve been dreaming of. You’re everything to me. You helped me through the worst breakup I’ve ever had. You helped me survive. You’ve held me when I was crying, you’ve laughed with me, you’ve cried in front of me. I feel beautiful when I see the way you look at me. Even when you hurt me, I feel good. Because I can see the horror in your eyes when you realize I’m hurt. I say I love you, but those words, those eight letters, are not enough to express the way I feel about you. Words could never describe. Nothing could.

 I don’t want to say “forever”. I’ve said that word before and nothing good has come of it. But… when I’m with you,  I feel like maybe – maybe – this could be it. Finally. Forever.


Yeah, I know. It’s silly. But it had to be said. Suck it up and deal.


Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 28 June, 2007

Yeah, so… I broke up with my boyfriend, Justin. It was really hard, and it’s still really hard. I can’t really explain why, but I’ll try to.

Mostly, it was just me. My feelings for him changed. The little things I overlooked when we began dating began to irritate me. His anger problems, mostly… See, I have an irrational fear of men yelling. It freaks me out, and I start crying uncontrollably whenever I hear it. And… Justin yelled a lot. And he got angry a lot. When we were together, he was really REALLY mean to his parents. Calling them names, just generally being a jerk to them. And you know that saying, “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother”? Well… he treated her really badly. And I knew that eventually, he’d probably treat me like that. I didn’t want to put myself in that position.

Also, the fact is that we just don’t match. Again, a lot of little things. Like, I love the foods he hates, our music taste is VASTLY different… he smokes pot and I hate that about him. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. And… he’s really clingy and needy. I have another fear-type-thingymedendum about being closed in, or trapped. I suppose it’s like claustrophobia (I have that too… jeez, I am royally fucked up), only more mental. And… I felt surrounded. And I got scared. I know now that I’m too young, and perhaps too immature, for that kind of commitment. I mean, after the third date – THIRD DATE – we were planning to get married. Now it’s true, I did initiate those conversations, but I can see now that it was a mistake.

Finally… there’s the fact that I liked someone else more than I liked him. I know that it sounds horrible, but it’s true. See, I have a naturally flirtatious personality. I flirt with just about goddamn everyone. And during the last few weeks of our relationship, I’d been flirting with this one specific guy. This guy and I spent most of this one party we went to curled up together, holding each other. The day I broke up with Justin was also the day this guy took me on a walk to basically THE most romantic spot in the city. We sat on a rock under a shady tree and looked out at gently lapping water, and we watched the sun go down. You tell me that’s not a perfect setup for romance.  Eventually, I ended up kissing this guy. See, the thing is, this guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. You know how that feels? I always thought that when you had butterflies in your stomach, it meant you were really attracted to, if not in love with, the person you were with. And I had those. But I never got them with Justin. I never felt that rush.

I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t love him. I wanted to love him so much, because I knew he loved me. And… and I wish it could’ve been different. But a relationship is a two way street, and if I didn’t love him, then I’d just end up hurting him more in the end. If we’d gone through with it (marriage, kids, old age, and death) then just imagine how it would’ve been for our kids! Kids need to know that their parents love each other. I used to need reassurance about that from my dad. And if i didn’t love the person I married, if I didn’t love the father of my children, then my kids would turn out royally fucked up. I didn’t want to do that to them. I didn’t want to stay in this relationship solely because “It would kill him if I left”. I didn’t want to stay with someone I didn’t love.

I feel I made the right decision. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling waves of guilt every time I talk to him now. I did really hurt him, and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. See… I do still love him, but not romantically. So this eats me up inside, knowing that he’s hurting this much. He’s been left before, and it almost destroyed him. Now, I’m doing the same thing. This is just after I promised that I’d never leave him. Clearly, my promises mean nothing.

I am a horrible person. Because even though I know that he’s hurt, and even though I know that I broke his heart… I *still* think I was right to break up with him.

*sigh* Life is hard.

an explanation and an apology

Posted in affection,change,confusion,depression,future,life,relationships by Scaramouche on 30 April, 2007

Sorry I haven’t been posting recently. A lot has been happening. School is a mess. But mostly, the reason I haven’t posted lately is because my grandma’s been sick. Actually… last Tuesday, the 24th of April, she died. Things have been kind of hectic. I’ve been depressed. She was a really big part of my life, and even though I wanted to say something about her, I haven’t been able to.

It was her funeral today. It was a beautiful day. She would’ve loved it. The service was nice, with her favourite hymns. I even played a solo on my flute. The song was “The Last Rose of Summer”. She loved it when I played it for her, and it felt only fitting that I should play it for her then. The acoustics in the church were amazing, and I actually sounded really good. Afterward, so many people thanked me and complimented me. It was the most praise I’ve ever gotten in one day.

She was buried in Greenwood Cemetery, I think. It was a beautiful spot. The funeral procession drove past their house on Cedar Avenue, as she’d requested.

Something interesting happened: When we left the church, I saw this one bird circling around. It followed the funeral procession to the cemetery and watched her being interred, then flew off. It was a hawk, or something that looked like it. Grandma loved birds, and since I believe in reincarnation… I don’t know. But I think that was her. She wanted to see it. She was there. I know it.

So, that’s what’s been happening. Sorry for the lack of updates. I’ll get back on it, guys. I promise. <33 Love you all to bits.

just random things

Posted in irritation,life,music,relationships by Scaramouche on 22 March, 2007

Okay, so this semester at school I’m taking an instrumental music course. It kicks copious amounts of ass. Today, for example, we were doing a Literacy test practice and ended up dancing and basically arsing around, while my friend Esther laughed her face off until she had no face anymore. It was glory. Unfortunately, there is a slight fly in the ointment. A fly named Brendan.

He’s a friend of mine, and he’s not actually in my class, but he signs in anyway because he has a spare. He plays clarinet, and I’m sure he’s good at it, but now he’s trying to learn flute (my instrument). He keeps trying to get me to teach him. He seems to have no comprehension of the fact that I have work to do too! I’m there because it’s my class that I love and want to finish on time. I am NOT there to teach him in his futile endeavour.

Music really is one of my favourite things in the world. I couldn’t live without it. It’s my ambition to be on Broadway (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that before, but I’m pretty sure I have) and I intend to make it. I sing. I sing every day and I never stop. I love singing. I’m good, too. I will actually be performing sometime soon. Springtime, I think. I know I’ll be singing “Moon River”, and “Cry Me A River” (the jazz one, not Justin Timberlake) if I can find it. It will be fantastical. Also, probably the first time I’ll be singing for my boyfriend. I’m scared.

<(^_^<) (>^_^)> It dances! <(^_^<) (>^_^)>

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