The Emerald City


a list

Posted in affection,love by Scaramouche on 4 January, 2009

Things About You That I Love:

1. – your hair
2. – your eyes
3. – your fencing ability (hell, just the fact that you fence!)
4. – your smile
5. – your voice
6. – the way you sing along to the radio
7. – the way you hug me
8. – how amazingly nerdy you are
9. – your penchant for odd/brightly coloured socks
10. – your willingness to protect me
11. – your kisses
12. – the way you look at me sometimes
13. – the feeling of your hand on my neck
14. – how totally unique you are
15. – the feeling I get when I think of you; “warm and fuzzy”, basically
16. – the fact that you believe me, and you understand me
17. – your taste in music
18. – how I can be completely miserable and sad and then you show me some random image of of 4chan and instantly make me laugh
19. – THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW PRUFROCK
20. – and that you enjoy other poetry as well
21. – how tall you are (seriously, it’s a huge turn on)
22. – the way you can be confident and assertive when I’m being ridiculous, but somehow manage to not be a dick
23. – how you seem to honestly care about me
24. – the fact that I still don’t know your full name, because you have like FIVE of them
25. – the fact that you inspire me to write long rambling lists of things I love about you
26. – the fact that this list may never really end because I’m constantly finding more about you that I love
27. – the fact that I cannot figure you out for the life of me
28. – your taste in literature
29. – the fact that you GET my obscure references
30. – the way we can quote movies at each other
31. – your utter brilliance, intellectually speaking
32. – the fact that you genuinely seem to enjoy talking to me
33. – AND, that when I told you to ignore me, your response was a succinct “no”
34. – the fact that no matter how miserable I am, or how lonely, talking to you — thinking about you, even — can make me smile

EDIT: 35. – the fact that when I told you about this list, you weren’t creeped out. ^.^

he’s leaving home

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 1 September, 2008

So, it’s happening. By this time tomorrow, my gentleman friend will be at Wilfrid Laurier University, in Waterloo.

I… words can’t even describe how much this hurts. How much I am going to miss him. I know it’s silly; he’s coming home on Saturday and we’ll see each other, and he’s promised to text me and write. But… still, I feel like I’m losing half of myself. I keep crying randomly, and I don’t *want* to because I know it’s so stupid and illogical. He’ll be home soon, and I’ll see him, and I’ll keep talking to him online, but I miss him, and it’s so fucking hard to let go of him now.

On the 12th of September, it’ll be nine months. By Christmas, it will be one full year. I’ve never been this close to that goal. Before him, my longest relationship was 5 and a half months, and it really ended two months prior to that, we just dragged it on unnecessarily. But, with him… the novelty hasn’t worn off. Every other boy I’ve met has some inherent flaw, preventing me from wanting to be with them. With him, that’s not true. With him, he seems to *have* no flaws. It’s amazing, perfect, too good to be true.

But it is true. And he does love me. For almost nine months he’s loved me, and I can’t see it stopping now, not when we’re closer than ever before, not after everything we’ve been through.

I love him devotedly, and I know he feels the same. Everything is going to be okay.

Please, I just need to believe it today…

HE. WROTE. ME. A. *SONG*.

Posted in happiness,love,lyrics,music,poetry,pure unbridled JOY,relationships by Scaramouche on 21 June, 2008

I wanted for so long to write you a song
To capture in the notes and words exactly how I feel.
But any words I try to choose were only words.
And the love we have, no lyrics could reveal

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
Effortlessly
My poetry

To tell you how I love, explain it right to you
I stumble and I falter and I don’t know what to say
But my love, you explain it all so perfectly
The eloquence takes all my words away

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
Effortlessly
My poetry

And once again you say
What I was trying to convey
In a far more elegant way

You’re the lyrics to my song;
My melody
You’re all the words that you can sing for me
A single phrase of yours reflects the beauty in your eyes
Effortlessly
My poetry

I wanted for so long to write you a song
And now how much I love you, you have seen.
And though the words may not quite do you justice,
I know you know exactly what I mean

a letter from the past

Posted in letters,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 27 May, 2008

27 May 08

Dear Angel,

This is you. Er… me. This is 17-year-old Angel in the year 2008, writing to the Angel I will be in the future. I wonder if I’ll ever look back on these words someday. And I am sure that I’ll read this opening paragraph and not know what the HELL I’m blathering about. I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about, man! (do I still get that reference?)

It is, as noted above, the 27th of May. Today is BEAUTIFUL. The sun is shining with all his might, the clouds are all white and floating lazily, puffily, through the blue sky. The trees are an ecstasy of green. And I’ve decided that it’s true what they say about spring — it is the time when one’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.

For I am in love. His name is ___ ______. [not for the world to see] His skin is luminous and soft, his eyes are five shades swirled together, his voice is gold, and he writes music in a tapestry of wonder and magnificence. He is my lover in every sense of the word. He is magic.

My reason for writing this letter, then is simple. I am writing to ask if you remember that boy. If you think back on these days with fondness, bitterness, regret, sorrow, anger… hate? I am writing to ask what the end of our story is. Do our dreams come true in the end and send me happily ever after with my Prince Charming? Or do I forget him? Does this love that I treasure more than anything else end up as just one more forgotten photograph buried deep in the cardboard boxes of my memory, one more old boyfriend to scoff at and mock for all his imperfections?

I’m writing you, my future self, to know these things. And, to implore you, never EVER leave this boy. Angel, he is the best thing to ever happen to you and if you leave him then I will kill you.

He is the best thing to ever happen to you. Don’t you DARE let him go. Don’t you DARE.

Love,

Angel.

*delighted gibberish*

Posted in happiness,life,love by Scaramouche on 27 May, 2008

This is awesome. Yes, he’s talking about me. Yes, it’s apparently all true. Yes, I want him forever.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

the things I find on old blogs…

Posted in blog,change,happiness,life,love,random,relationships by Scaramouche on 20 May, 2008

This is an entry from a blog I had in Grade 10. That’s 2006. September 19th. Observe:

Oh bother.

Okay. So it turns out that I’ve fallen insanely in love with a Grade 12 in my Vocal class (let’s call him Erik). He’s unbelievable. He’s incredible. He’s amazing. He’s completely oblivious to the fact that I love him devotedly.
His voice is so beautiful. It’s like liquid gold. He’s SUCH a great singer, and he loves musicals, and while he hasn’t seen Phantom (grr) he is allowing myself and others to force him to see it (yay!). He’s also very affectionate, and every time he touches me I blush and turn stupid. Yum. He’s so lovely, and I want him so much, but… gah. Qu’est-ce que le point?
I have, however, made a decision. The day my bestest friend tells her amour that she amours him, I shall tell the same to Erik. Because that will work. Either that, or I shall tell Erik on November the 1st. Whichever comes first. =) But even though that’s months away, I can’t help being nervous about it. I’m so afraid to tell him, to show my true feelings. What if he doesn’t feel the same? Even scarier, what if he DOES??? Is that just wishful thinking, or could it actually happen? I’m so scared.
Mmmm… off to sing and think of him. *sighhh*

I am now dating the Grade 12 in question. I love him love him love him. And also, this proves JUST HOW LONG I’VE WANTED HIM. Yay me.

25 truths

Posted in life,love,random by Scaramouche on 4 January, 2008

1. I want you to write a song about us, but I’m afraid to ask you because I don’t want to be a bother.

2. I just got into my pyjamas and dishevelled my bed at 7.30 in the morning, in an attempt to make it look like I’d slept last night.

3. That day last year, when you mentioned in passing that I had a good voice, was the happiest day of my life.

4. I overuse the word “forever” when it comes to relationships, but I want you to know that every time I say it, I honestly mean it then.

5. The only reason I’m mean to you is because I don’t know any other way to stop you from loving me, and make the guilt of not loving you back go away.

6. Everyone says that you should be yourself, but I’m a lot happier being the person who actually HAS friends.

7. I believe in music the way people believe in God.

8. I only ever feel beautiful when I am singing.

9. I hate it when you mention my “squishiness”, but I can’t tell you because I don’t want you to stop telling me it’s beautiful.

10. I have nothing important to say, but I like to pretend I do.

11. I just laughed so hard at some idiot online, and now I feel like a jerk because I found an old blog post of mine where I said the exact same thing.

12. I really wish the girls in porn could fake their orgasms more convincingly.

13. I want to live in New York City because I’ll be able to completely disappear there.

14. I wish guys were more open about their heartbreak, because I’m slowly beginning to hate girls for being so weak.

15. I like the night, because it means I can be alone and no one bothers me for HOURS.

16. I keep asking you why you love me because I’ve been so mean to everyone in my life.

17. I use pet names because I have a horrible memory for names, and I don’t want to call you by his.

18. If Pluto’s not a planet, then what will the new mnemonic be, if it can’t be “Men Very Early Made Jars Stand Up Nearly Perfectly”?

19. A guy posted a very sweet, romantic PostSecret… and all I could think was, “Dear GOD, man, shave off that HIDEOUS beard, cut your hair, and PLUCK your EYEBROWS!!”

20. I’m afraid of what will happen in a few months.

21. I hate you because you’re perfect and nice and talented and everything that I can never be.

22. I’m never saying goodbye again, because goodbyes are forever.

23. I’m completely fucking terrified that I’m going to treat you the way I treated the last three.

24. I feel gargantuan and clumsy when I’m around you, and sometimes I hate you for being so small.

25. I will always love you.

thoughts on sex.

Posted in love,religion,sex by Scaramouche on 12 August, 2007

I’m going to say something right now, and I ask that you listen to me.

I do not believe in the Christian god. I am not Christian in any sense of the word. I am a proud pagan. In fact, I believe in sex rituals. Yes, that’s right. I believe that sex is a form of worship to the gods.

I have decided to remain abstinent.

Am I a walking contradiction? No. Because sex, to me, is holy. Why would I share that holy ritual, that pleasure that glorifies the gods I believe in, with someone I won’t love forever? I am not abstinent to remain pure. I know I’m not pure. I don’t particularly want to be. But, I also don’t want to share the most intimate and intense religious experience of my life with someone and then just leave him/her. (Yes, that’s right. I’m also bisexual.)

Sex is a holy, religious ritual for me. I’m not going to share it with just anyone. Is that acceptable to you? Am I allowed to be abstinent and believe that sex is a religious ritual as well? Or must I be one or the other? Do I have to choose between my two beliefs?

a love letter

Posted in affection,future,happiness,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 19 July, 2007

I don’t know what I’m doing. I never really have. I thought I knew, once, but I was completely wrong. I thought I was sure about things before, but I always turned out to be wrong. I thought that love would last forever… but I never made it past 6 months with anyone. I’ve hurt and been hurt. I loved, and love ended. I’ve been left behind.

I don’t know much. I willingly admit that. I am one of the stupidest, most childish people ever to grace the earth. I always rush into things. I think that going too far will make me more mature, when in reality it just accentuates how stupid and silly I am.

But then I met you.

Suddenly, I’m feeling things I’ve never felt. I feel safe with you. I feel truly loved with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re what I’ve been dreaming of. You’re everything to me. You helped me through the worst breakup I’ve ever had. You helped me survive. You’ve held me when I was crying, you’ve laughed with me, you’ve cried in front of me. I feel beautiful when I see the way you look at me. Even when you hurt me, I feel good. Because I can see the horror in your eyes when you realize I’m hurt. I say I love you, but those words, those eight letters, are not enough to express the way I feel about you. Words could never describe. Nothing could.

 I don’t want to say “forever”. I’ve said that word before and nothing good has come of it. But… when I’m with you,  I feel like maybe – maybe – this could be it. Finally. Forever.

 

Yeah, I know. It’s silly. But it had to be said. Suck it up and deal.

more lyrics. get over it.

Posted in happiness,love,lyrics,music,plugs by Scaramouche on 28 June, 2007

You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)

[Spoken:]
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Will he offer me his mouth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his teeth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his jaws?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Again, will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:] And will he starve without me?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:] And does he love me?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] I bet you say that to all the boys!

[Sung:]
It was a hot summer night
and the beach was burning.
There was fog crawling over the sand.
When I listen to your heart
I hear the whole world turning.
I see the shooting stars falling
through your trembling hands.

You were licking your lips
and your lipstick shining.
I was dying just to ask for a taste.
We were lying together in a silver lining
by the the light of the moon.
You know there’s not another moment
Not another moment
Not another moment to waste.

You hold me so close that my knees grow weak.
But my soul is flying high above the ground.
I’m trying to speak but no matter what I do
I just can’t seem to make any sound.

And then you took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh it must have been while you were kissing me.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
And I swear it’s true,
I was just about to say I love you.
And then you took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh it must have been while you were kissing me.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
And I swear it’s true,
I was just about to say I love you.

Now my body is shaking like a wave on the water
And I guess that I’m beginning to grin.
Oh we’re finally alone and we can do what we want to.
The night is young
And Ain’t no-one gonna know where you
No-one gonna know where you
No-one’s gonna know where you’ve been.
You were licking your lips
and your lipstick shining.
I was dying just to ask for a taste.
We were lying together in a silver lining
by the the light of the moon.
You know there’s not another moment
Not another moment
Not another moment to waste.

And then you took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh it must have been while you were kissing me.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
And I swear it’s true,
I was just about to say I love you.
And then you took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh it must have been while you were kissing me.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
And I swear it’s true,
I was just about to say I love you.

Lyrics by Meat Loaf. I love this song, and only one other person knows why.

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