The Emerald City


thoughts.

Posted in change,depression,life,love,relationships by Scaramouche on 28 June, 2007

Yeah, so… I broke up with my boyfriend, Justin. It was really hard, and it’s still really hard. I can’t really explain why, but I’ll try to.

Mostly, it was just me. My feelings for him changed. The little things I overlooked when we began dating began to irritate me. His anger problems, mostly… See, I have an irrational fear of men yelling. It freaks me out, and I start crying uncontrollably whenever I hear it. And… Justin yelled a lot. And he got angry a lot. When we were together, he was really REALLY mean to his parents. Calling them names, just generally being a jerk to them. And you know that saying, “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother”? Well… he treated her really badly. And I knew that eventually, he’d probably treat me like that. I didn’t want to put myself in that position.

Also, the fact is that we just don’t match. Again, a lot of little things. Like, I love the foods he hates, our music taste is VASTLY different… he smokes pot and I hate that about him. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. And… he’s really clingy and needy. I have another fear-type-thingymedendum about being closed in, or trapped. I suppose it’s like claustrophobia (I have that too… jeez, I am royally fucked up), only more mental. And… I felt surrounded. And I got scared. I know now that I’m too young, and perhaps too immature, for that kind of commitment. I mean, after the third date – THIRD DATE – we were planning to get married. Now it’s true, I did initiate those conversations, but I can see now that it was a mistake.

Finally… there’s the fact that I liked someone else more than I liked him. I know that it sounds horrible, but it’s true. See, I have a naturally flirtatious personality. I flirt with just about goddamn everyone. And during the last few weeks of our relationship, I’d been flirting with this one specific guy. This guy and I spent most of this one party we went to curled up together, holding each other. The day I broke up with Justin was also the day this guy took me on a walk to basically THE most romantic spot in the city. We sat on a rock under a shady tree and looked out at gently lapping water, and we watched the sun go down. You tell me that’s not a perfect setup for romance.  Eventually, I ended up kissing this guy. See, the thing is, this guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. You know how that feels? I always thought that when you had butterflies in your stomach, it meant you were really attracted to, if not in love with, the person you were with. And I had those. But I never got them with Justin. I never felt that rush.

I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t love him. I wanted to love him so much, because I knew he loved me. And… and I wish it could’ve been different. But a relationship is a two way street, and if I didn’t love him, then I’d just end up hurting him more in the end. If we’d gone through with it (marriage, kids, old age, and death) then just imagine how it would’ve been for our kids! Kids need to know that their parents love each other. I used to need reassurance about that from my dad. And if i didn’t love the person I married, if I didn’t love the father of my children, then my kids would turn out royally fucked up. I didn’t want to do that to them. I didn’t want to stay in this relationship solely because “It would kill him if I left”. I didn’t want to stay with someone I didn’t love.

I feel I made the right decision. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling waves of guilt every time I talk to him now. I did really hurt him, and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. See… I do still love him, but not romantically. So this eats me up inside, knowing that he’s hurting this much. He’s been left before, and it almost destroyed him. Now, I’m doing the same thing. This is just after I promised that I’d never leave him. Clearly, my promises mean nothing.

I am a horrible person. Because even though I know that he’s hurt, and even though I know that I broke his heart… I *still* think I was right to break up with him.

*sigh* Life is hard.

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2 Responses to 'thoughts.'

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  1. wildtang3nt said,

    You didn’t have to air our dirty laundry…


  2. Stop dating anyone who makes you feel bad. There are so many out there that would treat you the way you deserve. So get up the courage and walk away and then start dating someone new or lots of someone news.


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